D-78: graduation

I know that you will not attend your graduation ceremony so I bought this specially for you and congrats that you finally graduate from Ngee Ann. from this moment onwards, life will be different for you 

I wish you all the best in the future and hope for everything you want, you will succeed in it

D-76

can't believe that I'm going back to school already. I know everything gonna be different from now onwards bc you are no longer in school

no more smoking break together with you, no more secret meet up half way through lessons, no more making breakie for you, no more going to your house together after school, no more studying together and no more hanging out together at club room together again

what happened to you will find me for lunch during school start? what happened to you will fetch me from school? what happened to coming school to find me? this is all bullshit, your love and your words seems so empty right now

I'm tired

D-74

mama ang know that I love to eat her cheesecake so she made me one with my favourite colour of fondant<3 

so my afternoon was gr8 as I spent it with mama ang! I don't expect myself to be back here again after you left me bc I no longer find any reason to. it's so familiar yet heart wrenching at the same time bc it's where we started. I remember how things started as well as all the memories we had here

why do you talk about me to mama ang even up till now? why don't you tell mama ang things ended between us instead of telling her I was busy? why do you do all the things that mama ang told me that make me ponder over my decision again? why?

goodbye KST

started saying goodbye to the people since 730 in the morning. it's hard for me bc I always hated goodbye a lot

having mixed feelings about the end of internshit bc I know I will miss every single one here. it was a great journey in Keppel Tuas and through here, I gained a lot of "daddy(s) and grandpa(s)" and everyone's adoration with food and drinks

I remember the first day I came here and I was like "am I sure this is this kind of place I wanna work in? it's gonna be so damn tough" and now it ended. too fast, too soon

started out internshit with B by my side, having to listen to my complain day by day bc I'm tired of the wait yet I'm ending it without B by my side. I'm proud of myself that I went through this tough period alone, including the break up

thank you KST for the wonderful 3months experience!

my overly attached buddy which I will miss the most even though I will still be seeing her in school... I know we are not gonna spend as much time together again, I know that we will not see each other that often or even talk at all. I will miss ranting to her, whining to her, laughing together with her and gossiping with her. no more morning call from her bc she will be waking up different timing from me:( thank you my unconditional love budz!<3

D-73

I came to this realization that I don't want anyone in my life. I don't need anyone to listen to my problems, I don't need anyone to go through thick and thin with me. yes I do miss the feeling of having someone in my life but I only miss the feeling of being pamper, being love and being care about that's all

yes I do miss you but you don't deserve anything, you are not worth anything at all. let's pretend we don't know each other even though we both know each other very well, let's pretend we never once exist in each other life, let's pretend we were never together before if this is what all you want

everytime I see you, it make me feel that I'm another step closer to move on in my life. let's admit, I'm better off without you. at least I don't have to lose myself, at least I know how to pamper myself, at least I'm not at the losing end

D-72: walking away

"I'm more afraid that you will come back than you dont"- I know I will take you back when you want me again. I know that I will fall even deeper for you again. I know that I will treat you even better bc I lost you once and I never want to lose you another time. I know I will beg you to stay even when you did me wrong and I know I would rather suffer than to not be with you

I know history will repeat: your scoldings, your flirting with girls, your comparing, your criticism and insults. for me: I will continue letting you do whatever you want, I will not talk back to you or even argue back, I will love you and come back to you even when you did me wrong

so let me put it this way, you stayed not bc you can't afford to lose me. it's bc you love the power you had over me which nobody will be able to give you until you found someone fresher and newer

after all what am I to you? just someone who's like a dog to you listening to all your commands and not able to fight for myself. I'm the only one doing all the fighting and chasing and I guess you enjoyed the thrill of being chased, being begged. your downfall; anger and pride. someday it will ruin you and you are gonna be on the self destruction path and nobody can save you bc you are an egoist, a nacarssist. you are a sadist you enjoyed watching people suffered over you, you enjoy using your power to dominate people

I don't blame you for loving yourself more than me but you are selfish. you want me to give you my 100% when you can't even give me your 60%. you want total commitment from me when you want all the fun, having your options of girls around. you want honesty from me while you, yourself were lying through everything the whole time

it's ok I lost you, it's ok. I'm coping well, I'm getting better as days go by. I just lost someone who doesn't know how to appreciate me, someone who treat me like a dirt, someone who don't respect me or my decision, someone who don't even love me as much, someone who bring me down all the times and someone who's ashamed of me

you are pathetic bc not only you lied to me, to all the girls you are talking to and the worst, you lied to yourself. I'm ok with you not respecting me bc you don't even respect yourself. you don't even know what's love, you only know what's power. I don't need you to pity me, I don't need anyone to pity me at all.  

I love someone who's not worthy of me, someone who don't deserve me. and I'm the biggest loser in the universe bc after all the things you did, I will still want you back bc deep down you need more love, you are insecure and only people that truly care can see it while others only want your rising fame

I didn't lose you bc I don't have you to begin with. come back home soon

D-71: 在你眼里我看到自己的寂寞

it feels good having someone appreciate what you had done for them and thanks B's mom x

our path stops here, we are just like an X (that's what you named me too) we will cross once and we passed the interception point. I don't know what the future holds for us, I don't know if we will ever talk again or our path will ever cross again but one thing for sure, I gave myself a closure for us and a new beginning for myself

you don't know how much courage it took to do all the stuff and you know all the bad times I'd been through but it's ok, you will never get to know bc you never get burned by love before as you will always be the one that go around buring others

tbh, i would love to watch your downfall so you will know how much you burned me and how much it hurts me but at the same time I will also be there to save you

what happen to you need me? oh yes, I need you a lot more than anything/ anyone in this world but all the things you did, proved me that I don't at all. I'm stronger than I thought I was 

thanks to you, I lost faith in love in happiness and in guys but thanks to you, I'm stronger than before. I'm more heartless right now

D-69:

I heard that you mood was ruin after receiving the parcel, I heard that you asked someone to throw the last letter away but in the end you still kept it 

ask me why I don't even bother to find out more? it's bc I'm prepared for everything. whether you are going to throw or you are going to burn or you are never gonna open it, I won't blame you at all. just be absolutely sure that you will never regret years down the road

you said you moved on so why does everything I did affects you? it's nonsensical that someone who mean nothing to you can even affects your life. and why are you curious about whether I'm together with someone else a not?

D-68/ D-0: I'm only human pt II

982days of love and counting

365days of memories

296days of Brendan

today is D-0, one of big day I marked in my life. it used to be our one year but now it's nothing. at the age of 20, I screwed up my entire life just bc of you. I lost myself completely ever since you left me and the worst thing, I watched you fell out of love with me the moment we ended and watch you fell for another girl. I see the way you looked at her, I envied her bc you used to look at me that way. I don't know what's worst, watching you fell out of love with me or watching you fall in love with her

I told myself after today, I will be the girl that carry a torch for you and see you with another girl and the girl who's gonna be your guardian angel. I tried so hard protecting you, helping you to keep your top notch reputation, pride and ego while on the other hand, you are busy pulling me down. why do you bear to do all these things to me? or this is your true colours that I had been avoiding all the times? My total image of you, my undying love and respect for you, all the memories of you and happiness that came from them, all the devotion I have for you... it has vanished.

Firstly, if you are in any doubt my love, then you should know that I loved you more than anything, you were my life, my love and my joy. Even just the sound of your voice could make me feel like I was floating amongst the stars, way up in the sky above the earth, somewhere we mortals don’t usually get to walk. You were my sunshine and my whole world. Every day you were in my life was a good day, and I’m endlessly grateful that you loved me.

I know I wasn’t fair, I know I should have done things differently, and I know you hate me for that. I also know that you can be pretty unforgiving, so I don’t hope, or expect that you will forgive me. I’ve spent every day since you left me just hoping you would call, or email or text, whilst knowing in my heart that you wouldn’t.

I’m not perfect, I never tried to pretend that I was, but I’m still the same person who loved you to distraction, who worried about you every single day you were away from me, who wrote long emails every day so that you had something to read and look forward to, and made sure that every time you could call I was there to talk to you, no matter what other things I had to do. You came first, you always did. Why can’t you see that I’m still that person?

I’ve prayed to a god who I don’t actually believe in that you would find a tiny corner of your heart that would forgive me. I know how stupid that sounds. I hope, one day, totally out of the blue, you will email me or send a text, just to let me know you are ok. Even if you don’t forgive me, just to hear from you would be more than I could hope for.

It has taken me 2months of self destruction to finally become fed up with you. My eyes are wide open, and suddenly I can see everything that I have ignored for so long. You have no place for me in your heart. You have no respect for me, not in the tiniest bit. If you did, then you would not treat me the way you do, you would not string me along and play with my emotions because you know that I will put up with it.

You know the never ending cycle; something you do or say upsets me, then I proceed to vent out my frustrations to you and threaten to move on. I never follow through with this threat, though, and then I eventually forgive you and come back. You know I will come back, so it doesn't mean a thing to you if you gamble with me and the existence I have in your life.

You mean everything to me, everything. Yet, I mean nothing to you. Tell me, if I meant anything to you, even my friendship, why do you disrespect me? Why do you continue to degrade me? What I have for you is very precious, and not everyone in this world can say that there is someone out there who sticks by them, through thick and thin.

I tell you that I will always love you, and no matter what that I will always be there for you. Even if I get mad, I will always be there. I even joke that if I were to ever get married, I would cheat on my husband just to be with you. I say that if you were to call me and I found out you were in the hospital, that I would rush over there immediately to be by your side

You killed the most precious thing in the world, and that is love, understanding, and devotion. You killed the girl who loved you so much who gave you the whole universe and the girl who lost herself while loving you

RIP to the Siqi that you used to know and RIP to the Brendan Ang I used to love. I'm loving someone who's dead, I'm loving the old Brendan that I know will never come back/ be alive anymore

Abandoning my past and pushing myself to move forward– without you. I’ll never forget you- although I wish I could. One last thing: Always remember me as the girl who loved you the most, who went through hell with you and gave you every single thing. I don’t know many things, but I am certain of one thing: No other woman will ever love you the way I did

Whatever happens, I wish you well. You truly do deserve the best that life has to offer you. Please know that I do love you, and a part of me always will. I will always have a soft spot for you and I will always take you back. You will always be irreplaceable. 

D-67

so much things happened and I wish you will be here for me but I came to a realisation that I'm no longer the girl you will be there for anymore. I need to stay strong and I know I will be strong enough for everything bc I'm handling every single thing alone

just one more day to the big day I've been waiting for. I can't wait to kill myself completely bc that's the only way for me to move on with my life. I can never move on in my heart but the least I should do is to move on with my life and lead a better life with the 5years plan I had 

I came to a point where I just push people away bc I'm afraid they will tear down everything and break me apart again. I'm better off alone if it's without you in my life 

D-66: strangers with memories

2more days till our actually first year. tbh, I'm very afraid that this day will come but I know there's no way I can avoid it

I'm close to tears, not even bothering to save myself from all this mess. I'm afraid I would hurt even more if I try to fix everything or save myself. I tortured myself long enough in our memories bc I'm the only one here now and not both of us anymore

I'm afraid of falling apart even more bc I know there's no one here to save me but myself. I can only depend on myself and nobody else. jumping into the grave I dug for myself all these while and I'm continue digging it to make myself go even deeper

I love you and I never regret anything that's regarding you and given another chance, I will love you even more right and treat you the way you wanted. gown a chance, I want to know you again bc I realized I don't know you at all after looking at you through different perspective. I don't mind getting hurt by you I don't mind going through every single thing I had been through so I can be right next to you

someone once asked why do I treasure your double heart necklace so much when it's not any luxurious item? firstly, it's a gift from you and then to me, its our heart that joined together. but what's the point of wearing it now when I lost your heart to someone else? I can only keep it somewhere safe and hopefully in the future, there's a chance of you coming back and me, wearing it again

I'm never capable of keeping you in my life bc you always wanted to be free that's why I gave you all the entitlement you wanted

I'm convinced that I'm made of steel but I'm not after all. never thought that I would fell so sick I guess I forgotten how to take care of myself... after the 2nd time I fell sick, I'm never well again:(

Bren, I need you a lot more than you think

D-65: I'm not even holding the door for you to leave

I'm so close to where I'm getting to. I'm so close to breaking myself down completely. You had been gone for so long and I'm slowly getting used to life without you

please don't let me get used to not having you bc by then I don't want you anymore. how can you get out when I'm not even holding the door open for you?

you changed a lot after becoming a bouncer... it's to the extent whereby I don't even recognise you anymore. how can someone change so fast, it's scary very scary or maybe this is the side of you I refuse to face all along? I feel like I'm seeing you, seeing everything that I'd been going thru when we were together. you texting many girls sweet stuffs, you having intimate contacts with girls etc, you and your excuses made me wonder it's you or me that's more full of excuses and bullshit when you kept saying it's me

I've never hide anything from you, I've never flirt or have any intimate contacts with any guys or even made up excuses. I've never make friend with any of your friends just to stalk to you. it's bc I care that's why I want to know what kind of friends you are hanging out with and I care about you

I know a lot more stuffs that you think I know. I know you had been bad mouthing me behind my back a lot but it's ok just push all the blames to me. I will never let you be the bad guy or the guy with any mistakes. I will always let you be the perfect guy that you wanted to be

D-64: not everyone you lose is a lost

in life there will always be gain and loss. some gain more and some gain less but at the end of your life, everything will be equal 

I always believe that what goes around comes around. wtv you did to someone, that someone will eventually do it back or someone else will do the job

I dreamt about you again last night. everything seems so real and I don't know if I'm thinking too much or what but it's just too good to be even happening right now

I'm another day closer to 18th and I'm afraid that this day will come I don't want to forget every single thing, I don't want you to slip away in my mind..... 

I think I'm addicted to pain or maybe I don't feel anything anymore. Physical pain mean nothing to me be it piercing or tattoos while emotional pain, I guess I'm totally numb about it alrd....

I really miss you a lot Bren:(

D-63: they said freedom is a lonely road but I don't mind chasing afteryou while you chase after freedom

trying hard to stay very strong but as the days go by, I'm getting weaker and weaker. how am I supposed to pull through 18th may, my big day of the big day?

never been so afraid of something, never been so weak ever in my life and I just want to end every single thing right at this moment including my life. every single day I'm hoping I can never wake up while people are hoping to live another day 

can't even feel any pain, I think I'm just numb be it emotional or physically and I'm mentally tired. I wouldn't be surprised if I just collapse one day. I don't try to survive anymore. I'm just barely breathing

to be honest, I miss the old me. the me which I can just laugh through every single thing, the me when I'm with you, the one which got the brightest smile and the me which look forward to waking up every single morning. you affected my life a lot, more than anything in this world it's like a 360deg changes. I don't even recognise myself anymore in the mirror. I feel so foreign about myself as well

I miss being the reason of your smile and frown

D-62

staring at the ceilings, everything seems so blunt. I don't even know what I'm going through at this moment it's like I don't even feel a thing already. everything just worn me out. I don't want anything anymore. the only thing I want now is to feel nothing, be heartless that's all 

looking back the past 2months, I don't even know how I managed to struggled through all these at all. we were always so near yet so far apart. near in distance but far in the heart. they said we were like lovers who just refuse to admit we still love each other but the fact is your love for me had already expired long ago

I believe someday I will get back up again, I believe I'm strong enough to overcome and I believe that after all these, I will be stronger than ever and I believe that I will pull through all these

I hope someday you will realised all the things I did for you, all the things I have your best interest. to you I might be annoying and irritating but I know I went extra miles for you and for sure, years down the road I will never regret anything

trust me, after all the things you did to me all the insults, criticisms, scoldings from you, I will still want you

---

it's exactly a week until I have to make my final decision. I really want to leave Singapore so badly and start my 2years somewhere new then come back here as someone new, someone better but I will never put you down bc of all the worries I have for you

D-61

7more days till judgement day. I know that I'm losing bc all the things I don't expect just suddenly happened. seriously what I did to deserve all these from you?

you keep on saying that I bad mouth you but why don't you tell me what I bad mouth you about? and you even called me a bipolar hypocrite. yknow what? I don't need anyone's pity, I don't even want to bring you down but you are the one who's bad mouthing me and trying to bring me down. what's the point? here I am trying to protect you and your reputation all these while there you are trying to bring yourself down. what else can I do? can't you see I have your best interest all these while? 

maybe all along I cared too much for you, love you too much that I don't even retaliate to anything you did to me

maybe you don't see everything now, maybe you won't see it forever but then all the things I did, it's trying to protect you and not trying to bring you down

D-59

重新学习怎麼和自己好好相處。
學習怎麼愛自己，珍惜自己, 照顧自己。
學習怎麼當一個獨立的女生。
找回一個人也可以過得很好的那個我。 

it hurts a lot that someone else is spending 9th with you. what happened to no matter what you will be spending it with me? so where the fuck are you. liar and I'm utterly disappointed in you. you were someone I once respected so much and someone I look up to so much and now you are a total changed of person

the Brendan I knew isn't like the rest, wouldn't dress like the rest or even behave like the rest bc you will always be unique! you have your own dressing sense, your own behaving sense but I was wrong. I don't know who you are trying to impress but I bet that girl must be very lucky for you to change who you are to impress her. can I beg you to not be like the rest and just be yourself? I don't know what's the reason for all these changes... it's not like you have been hurt fucking badly to change bc you don't even feel a thing to the end of us  

I plead for a relieve from all my suffering. I wish someone will take away all these pain as well as my life

D-57

when I started choosing this 18th path, I already know the consequences of everything. there's no more turning back. I know I'm all out to kill myself bc that's the only way I can completely destroyed myself in your hands indirectly

it doesn't kill you but it kill me and I want myself dead so badly so that I can start afresh 

I don't know since when my life started screwing up but we both know what's the reason, the cause behind it 

D56: surviving

The thing is, “surviving” is not the same thing as “living.” I merely existed, if even that. I am exhausting myself and the people around me in my futile attempts to hold on to the very thing that I needed to lose in order to really start living. I needed to detach myself from everything, i needed to pick myself up and stop allowing emotions control me. I am stuck at the stage where i can neither move forward nor go back to you. This state of neither here nor there is paralyzing me with fear and sadness. I am so afraid, and so tired . Can you bring me back to you please? I have had enough, i dont want to go on like this

I am becoming the person i fear to turn back into. The me that i thought i buried well and would never resurface again. I am so afraid of what i am capable to do cause i know how bad things can get. I keep my fingers cross that this would be my bottom line and things doesnt get any worse, cause i know it just could

Why does everything feel so much like a long long dream. Like nothing actually did happen over the year, everything is so unreal. I cant tell if what i went through was just imaginary or did it really happened. I am still hurting but i cant tell how i was hurt. what i am sure of is that i didnt resist, i merely let it happen. And despite knowing the pain, i enjoyed myself

D-55: forget him not

Stop messaging him. Stop making excuses to see him, to pass by his place or his work place

Erase his name from memory. Remove yourself from his life, more completely than you would like but as completely as he deserves. Move on, so that you can allow him to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see his face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about his lips, the warm glow of his skin when he rests next to you, or how he squeezes your hand in his sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of his shampoo or perfume, or that he likes you. You are not allowed to remember his kisses and hugs

So, forget how he says your name. Forget how he calls your name. Forget that time you got sick and he came down almost immediately to take care of you wanted, letting you lay your head in his shoulder. Forget how his hair feels in your fingers. Forget how he look. Forget the times he ferries you around. Forget the times where he actually put in some efforts. Forget the times he pamper you

Forget him.

Know only that he existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that he could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of his life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let him stop investing emotionally in you. Let him pour that love and care into the people who deserve him. Remember to him, you are just a companion

Don’t tell him that you think about him all the time. Don’t tell him that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. He shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.

Don’t tell him that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.

He is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that his slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let him go, but you are afraid he is too good for you, that he could drive you wild, that you would choke on his flames. That he is too much for you to handle right now.

But if you choose not to love him now, you can’t choose to love him later

I'm not prepared for all these things, I'm not prepared to let you go. I'm not prepared for every single thing. all of these suck, really suck

it's tearing me apart badly and it hurts more than anything in this world. why does unconditional and endless love hurt so badly?:(

D-54

you taught me how to be alone, you taught me how to protect myself, you taught me how to be heartless, you taught me how to not love someone so much, you taught me how to be strong, you taught me how to not put someone above myself

I may cry for you still, I may love you a lot still, I may care for you, I may miss you a lot, I may still want you, I may miss all our memories but one day I know I will be stronger and happier without you. I know this won't happen right now but someday it will. I may not be determined to make it happen but then I will let time do everything and show you that I can be the girl I was before

you promised me that we will never have to bid goodbye again so why now? I'm hoping that this goodbye will not be forever, hoping that someday you will come back to me but then I know it's not possible at all bc you are long gone already with another girl

thank you for moving on so fast, thank you for showing me that I'm easily replaced, thank you for making me feel that everything was real, thank you for letting me know that your love can be gone so fast

in 14days time, I will bid my 2nd goodbye to you. this time round, I'm doing it as a lover not as a BFF anymore. I hope you are happy now without me but her....

D52

I don't want to miss you, I don't want to love you but there's nothing I can do to stop it. you will always be the guy I will run back to no matter how long and what happened bc you are just that impt. 

16days left, can 18th don't come so soon... I don't want to mean what I say at all bc I can't bear to part with you. I can give up everything for you it's just there's no purpose to it anymore... my life changed, so badly that I can't even recognise every single thing at all. my mind know it's time for me to go, but my heart doesn't want to. 

I guess we are both chasing after different things. I gave you the chase for so long but you are never here for me. you just keep on sprinting and sprinting without even stopping to look at me. you said you are able to give me everything but you don't want. what had I done to deserve all these when all I ever gave is my unconditional love to you? aren't you selfish? that you only care about you, you and you?

17days left to make the decision regarding my future. just waiting for that one miracle to happen... I just need that one reason to stay when I have every single reason to start my life afresh, somewhere new

I miss you a lil' more today, Bren