Wednesday, April 30

don't even know why do I still care so much about you when you treat me like a dirt... I shouldn't even be bothered about you right? I shouldn't even be worried that you get into trouble bc I should start minding my own business. oh ya, you got your Shirley to protect you as well 

but still, pls be safe 

I see the way you look at her, that's the way how you looked at me in the past 

D-50: 放不下你是我活该

starting to change my mind about every single thing bc I don't know if this is what I want eventually.... issit the right thing break myself down? issit the right thing to turn into a completely heartless person? issit worth the ride in the end?

nobody say you are worth it, nobody even someone close to you. I'm the biggest fool in the world, 放不下你是我活该 only fools will keep fighting for the ones who don't even fight to stay and I'm the fool.. 

I know you won't be reading this that's why I'm comfortable with voicing all my feelings. by the look of it, you are fucking fine and fucking happy so why am I here feeling fucking sad and drowning my fucking sorrow every single night. why am I missing you every single day when you are thinking about other all day long?

I wish love is a real gun so that you will kill me and end all these sadness and pain that's inflicted onto me. I'm fighting hard to survive every single day

Tuesday, April 29

D49: I miss you damn badly, more than ever:(

really fuck this "I miss you fucking badly and I want to hug you fucking badly" shit how am I suppose to walk away when this fucking strong urge is around? why am I still thinking of leaving you with the good memories while I'm the one who keep all the bad ones? why up to this point I'm still thinking for you..... I need to think for myself even more...... 

I don't know what hurts anymore bc I love you to the extent that nothing hurt anymore. I just wish everything will be over soon I just wish I'm ok but I'm so broken and so screwed up inside...... I need you so badly really...:( breaking down really really soon and I just can't help but to watch myself going to the self destruction path I just wish to have a relieve from everything

Brendan Ang, are you really that happy and satisfied with your life right now? I'm not happy at all every single day I'm just faking all my smiles and laughter. as long as you are happy then I will be fine...:(

Monday, April 28

how do I look at you and know it's time to walk away

"are you a mixed? bc you look like half Chinese, half angel"

coping with every single thing and i started writing my "last" letter to you. too much content yet I don't know how to put it into words... I'm afraid that I left something out bc after 20days, I will have no more reason to bother you anymore... pls give me some reasons... pls don't leave me or even my memories

I really miss you badly

D-48: preview



I'm not sure if this is what I really want but then I'm really all out to kill myself badly. I wish I'm dead bc I don't have to feel a thing from now onwards

will I be able to put down everything? and stay anonymous in your life? 

Sunday, April 27

I can give up all these partying, all these crazy drinking nights, all these worthless stuff just for you. I can give up anything just for you but then what's the point of giving up for you when you already left? and they are the only companion when I miss you

I can never imagine me being close to anyone's parents to the extent i will miss them and even wonder how's life for them... hope everything is going well and smooth for the Ang's:) I miss talking to them, miss cooking with them, and miss their food:(

D-47

I heard they said drunkard speak sober thoughts so here I am talking about my sober thoughts. all along I know he won't be reading my "major thoughts" that's why I find it very comfortable dumping all my feelings and thoughts in here

I'm only left with 21 days to love you openly bc right after that day I will be back to the square one, the one who always carry a torch for you. love is handing someone the gun and trusting them not to pull and trigger. Bren, you pull the trigger and reload the gun then shot me again not once, not twice but many until I lost count of it

it's how funny when I used to feel all the funny emotions for you and how everything effects me but I guess what I'm doing now is right, I'm slowly killing myself and at the same time I'm slowly to feel nothing anymore 

perhaps I'm good at pretending. I pretend I moved on, I pretend I'm happy and I pretend that you don't mean a thing, I pretend I don't love you anymore. it's never easy but I'm trying bc I don't want you to know that I'm weak

remember you told me "I don't have to be so strong bc you will always be by my side"? what happened? I'm always strong bc I only have myself to depend on. there's nobody backing me up if I fall and I have nobody. I push people away bc I don't want anyone to break my walls down so they can hurt me. I'm never gonna let anyone tear my walls down and I'm never gna break my walls down for anyone again. the only person that got all the rights in the whole to have my naked heart is just him 

I miss you Bren, I'm not as strong as you think but I'm trying to be

Saturday, April 26

D-46


on the path of self destruction for way too long until I don't even know what I'm doing or what I want. I don't hate you but I hate myself for loving you so much

Friday, April 25

D-45: where have you go?


959days of love, 342days of memories and 296days of Brendan (up to today's date) every single thing is inside this book. every single day this book is getting thicker and thicker bc the memories is getting more and more. I don't wish to fill up the entire book bc I want it to be continued instead of the ending of our chapter 

I'm not superwoman, I'm just a civilian, waiting for my hero to save me which apparently my hero is busy out there saving someone else instead

ask me why I love hanging out at sonar after he left? it's bc whenever he's around, I feel safe and secure. yes that's the feeling he gave me all these while, his build his character and his charisma show me all of these security and safeness I'm looking for. whether we are together or not, I will always have this feeling

they told me I miss our memories but no, I don't only miss our memories and I miss you as well. never have the courage to look you in the eyes bc I will always want to hug you tightly. I'm still as meticulous as the past when it comes to you bc I will always want the best for you and you will always be someone priority to me. I will always have a soft spot for you regardless of how long and what you did bc it's just you, you are Brendan Ang

it's funny that my dream used to be together with you until death tears us apart but now my dream is you finding someone better than me and will love you endlessly and unconditionally. most importantly, you get your happiness

pls be safe at work. I miss saying this to you but, goodnight I love you 

Thursday, April 24

D-44


it's been 44 days ever since you left me. letters has been piling up, and the scrapbook is slowly filling up.

what happens when people around you tell you that he's not worth it and he's a bastard especially his own close friends? what happens when people around you tell you that you should let him go bc you are just another girl especially his own close friends? what happens when people around you tell you that you worth a lot and deserve a lot more than you think especially his own close friends?

i started looking at you from different perspective and i came to a realization that the more i'm trying to make myself to hate you, the more in love i'm with you. somehow, i master the skill of loving someone's imperfections and flaws more than their strengths. i'm the biggest loser in the whole universe and the biggest joke on earth... being BFF for 2 years, knowing his way of life and still fall for him

the truth about women, the need security the most not money not fame. they said love changes people in the good way and the bad way. i used to be afraid of commitment bc i yearn for freedom, i don't want to be tied down and i always feel that nobody's that deserving for my commitment at this age and the commitment i'm talking about is settling down, not about being devoted or faithful. i can never imagine myself spending my entire life with just someone, i can never imagine myself waking up to the same face for the remaining 40-50years of my life until i met Brendan. he's the only one in the world that made me want to settle down, want to stay with him for the rest of my entire life and the one whom i can imagine myself waking up to, every single morning and after he left, the shit old afraid-of-commitment feelings come again

你不喜欢我也不用经 只要我还爱你的一天我会永远支持你永远在你身边 请让我继续爱你吧

Wednesday, April 23

D-43: all the misses


I miss waking up next to you every weekends morning. I miss cuddling on the bed with you and watch our shows until we fell asleep. I miss brushing teeth together with you. I miss having who-get-more blanket fights with you. I miss tickling fights with you and laugh until both of us were weak. I miss how you always want me to be the driver but in the end you became the driver. I miss playing fun run with you and see who got the highest rating. I miss travelling to your house in the morning just to see you for 5mins or eat breakie with you. I miss being a pig beside you. I miss how you never fail to take care of me and protect me. I miss how we can talk all days without getting bored of each other. I miss how you spam me wake up every single day for school. I miss cooking together with you. I miss how you always pamper me with food. I miss how we can always fight over a bolster or plushie. I miss how we always get silly together. I miss your forehead kisses. I miss how you always carried me around the house just bc you don't want me to walk. I miss how you always surprised me at my house. I miss how you always plan surprised outing for us. I miss how you always hug me to sleep at night. I miss your smile. I miss the tight hugs we exchanged before parting every single time. I miss every single thing about us and you:(

Tuesday, April 22

D-42

I'm slowly losing reason to stalk you, I'm slowly losing reason to talk to you, I'm slowly losing reason to hold you back but why am I not losing any reason to love you, care for you and miss you?

I vow to love you unconditionally, endlessly and sincerely. perhaps this is the reason why I still love you and miss you so much. being in a one sided love is miserable just as the saying goes, the longest love is the love that's never returned. 

the reason why I will never leave you (physically, emotionally and mentally) it's bc I know if I leave, you will never chase after me and leaving without you is the last thing I ever want to. within a month you left, every single night I'd been dreaming about you

love is just like a catastrophe. when it dies, eventually you will hope that the other party will have no more suffering on the other side while the one that's left behind will always be the most painful one. I'm glad you are satisfied with wat you have right now, at least without me in it and you showed me I'm never a source of your happiness. 

it's been a day since I blog about you best. I'm still waiting for your return 

gift


so today a worker gave me his notebook just bc I lost mine weeks ago. when I open up the notebook this is what I saw "my life is my parents gift" after seeing this I felt a lil' sad. how can someone who's working in a foreign country and has nothing can say such positive words while here I am everyday trying to find a way to relieve from my life 

yes life is a precious gift for parents and there's plenty of people out there who want to live but doesn't have the ability to but what happen when you can't find anymore reason to go on with your life?

nevertheless, thank you for making my day though it doesn't change my thought about wanting a relieve from my life

Monday, April 21

cracked brain

to my readers or perhaps people that's listening to my voice, I'm sorry that I'd been ranting about my job offers more often bc I'm really fucked regarding this matter and there's no one else I can rant to except here bc every single one has been asking me to go... but then none of them know what's going thru my mind

---

I don't know why up till this point I'm still thinking for you... I tell myself every single day I must think for myself and not you anymore bc I'm nobody to you that got the rights to do this

my future, my career should come before any other thing in life bc it's for myself but here I am thinking if I'm gone for 2years, will you be fine? will you live well? will there be anyone better than me to take care of you? argh you are FUCKING FINE right now without me but why am I still thinking for you when you don't even give a fuck about me

so finally I gave in, I agreed to go for the check up before I make my final decision on 19th may. if my check up fail, there's no more troubled thoughts about wanting to go a not but if it pass, the chances of me accepting the offer will be 90%. I don't know if I should pray for it to be a pass or fail as well. oh well, going for a check up doesn't kill right? 

haiz monetary wise is tempting and all the conditions they gave is good or perhaps perfect(?) and I can retire at the age of 30, living a luxury life (good house, car, etc) with a degree and 5-6years of working experience... is this really what I want? or I don't? I want a family, I want to live a good life, I want to commit as well as commitment from someone... can I just have the best of every single world now?:(

too many factors, too many worries and that one and only person I cannot put down in Singapore. cracking my brain every single day for this shit decision omg why must they do this to me when I'm only 20.........

Sunday, April 20

D-40


forgotten when was the last time I wore this necklace out... definitely it's not long ago but then it feels like years. this time round, you aren't the one that wear it for me but myself. I swear this feeling is very different. I guess the next time I'm gonna wear it will be on 18th may and every 18th of the month just bc I want it to be kept somewhere safe 

been blogging way too much, too often but then there's no other alternative ways to voice my sadness out other than this platform... somehow, I already have a decision regarding my job offers but then 29more days until I give them my final answer 

I can never bring myself to look at you bc I will always have the urge to hug you tightly. I'm sorry for avoiding you all the times... the days are numbered and I'm loving you and missing you more every single day. there's no way i can contact you bc you totally cut me off but everyday I'd been telling myself if you want to talk to me, you will. I miss you best, more than anything in this world. 

time to zzz I guess, been having only 3-4hours of sleep for the past month... time for some good-complexion-sleep soon! I hope to see you in my dreams:(
---

I hate parting and I witnessed one just not long. even though he's not someone very close to me but then he's a very nice guy who keep encourage me to go after my given opportunity. he talked to me about you, and I just told him to ask you take care of yourself and control yourself everytime when you work. guess that's the last bouncer I will ever talk to at sonar after he left 

Saturday, April 19

I'm another day closer to self destruction and another day to decide about my future. I guess this is the hardest decision ever bc I don't even know what's going to happen in a month time, how am I suppose to know what will happen in a year and 3 years time? I always wanted commitment from someone else but if I accept this offer, I'm the one who can never give any physical commitment bc I will not be here the whole time

it just made me wonder if it's worth selling my life away for a total of 240k euros for 2 years in US... I know when I'm back I will have a very good portfolio and I can get any job easily in the marine industry and I will be rich enough to buy anything in singapore at the age of 23 but is this really what  I want?

it's a very good opportunity and I wanted this all along plus it's my dream company... but what's holding me back from my decision? I know I shouldn't give up my dream or career easily for anyone but then... I really don't know. 
can I just throw every single thoughts away and not think about anything right now and make the decision when 19th May reach? this is seriously bothering me every single day...

---

I don't want to stalk but the worst thing that can ever happened is when you know too many people and they started to feed you with all the things you don't want to know... why am I still treating you so nice and so good when to you, it's annoying

D-39

it actually hurt a lot seeing you hugging another girl infront of me. I noticed all these little things that you do/did that it's killing me inside out. so glad you found someone else in your life

I really hope that Natelie will treat you better than me and she will love you unconditionally

after all these happened, it really made me have the urge of wanting to agreed to my job offer just so I can start my life afresh but then you shouldn't be the deciding factors of my next 3years right?

Friday, April 18

D-38: actually 11th


hi best, it's our actually 11th today! went sonar last night bc I want to see you specially on this special day! though I can never spend 18th with you again but then at least I can see you from far on this date. what went through your mind when you saw me on 18th?

I want you to know that I miss you every single moment but then again, I'm happy for you for being happy all these while

Thursday, April 17

D-37: back to zoo


back to zoo, one of our memories. it's hurts a lot but I'm putting a smile on my face all the while. I tried very hard to recall every single thing over there. I guess I lost terribly to myself again. Why am I choosing the self destruction path of visiting our memories?




Wednesday, April 16

D-36

I know you are upset that you are enlisting before your birthday. don't be curious how I know, I got my ways to know. it upsets me knowing there's nothing I can do to make you happy

I hope you will live your life to the fullest right now until your enlistment date and I will continue waiting for you until your army end...

ever since you left I don't know whether issit I forget how to take care of myself or I miss you too much that I keep falling sick:( 

I'm afraid the next time I'm going to see you will be 3years later after D-0. even though I still don't know if I will accept the offer a not but then I know I can never put you down 

Tuesday, April 15

thank you but I'm sorry


to whom it may concern:

I don't know if you will be reading this but then thank you for the pandora charms you gave me but I'm sorry. 

if you want me to put it on my bracelet as a friend, I will do it but other than that, nope. I know you are willing to give me your whole universe but please don't bc there's nothing I can give you, not even a lil' broken piece of me

I carried a huge emotional baggage and there's no room for anyone else in my heart except for B. I know you treat me very nice and I'm sorry for ignoring you all these while. I hope we can still be friends after all these:) 

dilemma

I know that not everyone get the opportunity of having job offers hand to you even before graduate. though I've no commitment in Singapore but then it's still a very hard decision:(

I'm only 20, I shouldn't be thrown with this kind of life decision making right now... so what if I'm given a month to decide? I can't possibly use a month to decide for my next 2 years. yes I feel honoured to have the luxury of not having to find a job after graduating bc I'm handed with 2 offers right now but then there's really a lot of factors to consider... no doubt they offer very very good package but it's in exchange for my freedom as well as commitment to the company 

will I stay in this industry after I graduate? am I able to commit for 2years? how dangerous will the job be? will I be ok if I'm the only female on board? is this really what I want to do throughout my whole life? should I further my studies first? will I be happy to even earn so much per month when I'm only 21 (by then) 

out of the 2 companies, one of them is my dream company bc they are the top company in oil and gas as well as they give good incentive. and if everything is successful I will be station at the US base for my 2years.... haiz is this really what I want?

D-35: bc the heart is slowly dying

counting down to the days of closure made my heart ache. this isn't what I want after all. all I ever wanted was to stay by your side and be there for you all the times but if someone else can take care of you better than me then ...

pasting the Polaroids one by one is like my heart started to break piece by piece... I don't know if it's the right choice but still, I will love you and miss you even more until D-0

you are the reason why I want to take up the job offers and you are also the reason why I don't. you are the only one on the world that I 放不下 and 舍不得 but then you also made me want to run away from all these reality. I know this is contradicting

I know I'm dirt worthless to you but I hope you will ask me to stay...


Monday, April 14

why do I feel like a hypocrite? portraying that I'm a happy girl on Instagram while I'm not at all? the only place that I'm able to voice out is here
"don't keep me waiting for too long. I just don't want to know how I can live without you be it in my memory or my life. I just don't want to get used to not having you around. I'm afraid when I get used to not having you, I don't want you anymore"

D-34: don't keep me here too long

"love is not about how many times they are able to sweep your feet off the ground. it's about how much you are willing to fight even after you know they will leave"

I'm another day closer to the closure. I don't need any answer from you I just need you to know what I've been going through and how I feel throughout. I'm not doing it to bring you back bc I know you are determined but I wish things will end well between us. 

I didn't want to kill myself I want you to kill me instead with your emotions and words. I see my walls coming up ever since you left and I realized there's no more I'm able to give others. I don't know if I should feel sorry for myself or those that proclaim they love me. I can never give another piece of myself out anymore. you occupy every single bit of me and you can never get out of the door bc you are too fat

I'm still here fighting for a battle that never existed or it did, just in my wishful mind. I asked you to break me completely so why didn't you? why you just break me half way which make me wonder if it's better to piece myself up or to tear everything apart. when we were together, I can never imagine myself without you. I needed you all these while and I'd been relying on you for the past 3years mentally. you were there for me all the times. I know if I need you, you will always be available for me but it's different this time round. you don't even bother to take a second look at me. I felt like dirt worthless to you:(

I got a job offer even before I graduate though it may sounds like a good plan for my future but there's more to it. if my interview success, and I sign the contract then I'm leaving here in a year time for a 2 years bond. I don't know if I want to take up this deal since I'm given a month to consider. it's a high risk job with a high end pay but I've to put my life on the line as well as to sacrifice a lot of things... so, no matter how much you hate me, I want you to be there to send me off when I'm leaving not bc of the sad goodbyes it's bc it may be the last time I'm able to be alive to see you 

Sunday, April 13


another bucket list checked! so glad to have Edwin as my artist bc he always know what look good and what don't. what iz my artist say my body full house for tattoo alrd. actually all my tattoos are on the left side only bc I wna make my right side "clean" except for the hand part hahaha

why dandelions? it represent letting go, wish or memories depending on which angel you see it and swallow means breaking free of the chain. as you all know I just went through a break up and it's a very tough one so I hope I can break myself free from this "sadness" chain and free myself from all these agony... I made a wish before I put my dandelions so I hope that my wish will come true if not then it will stay in my body forever....



D-33

it's been 33days without any contact, I'm slowly refraining myself from stalking you or even knowing any news about you. it's hard for me but I guess it's best for you... I guess it's time for me to back out, it's time for me to stop avoiding the truth that you are long gone and moved on

I guess you found someone new from the look of your eyes and the way you look at her. I hope she's better than me and I hope she will give you the best of everything and most importantly she love you unconditionally as well as you are happy with her... I also hope that she's able to give you everything that I'm not able to... 

I came to realized that after your departure, I started having a distance from guys yes I'm gender stereotyping now. I find it hard to communicate with guys even as a friend. it's just me, it's no one fault... it's like somehow a phobia of guys...

and important rule in life:
rule #1 you can fight for your own happiness but not on the expenses of others
rule #2 never ever get together with your friend's ex or someone they like before/now
rule #3 bestfriend/BFF will always stay as that bc once you both get into a rs, the whole friendship will be ruin
rule #4 in order not to have any heartbreak or disappointment, don't fall in love with guys especially those that work in a club bc no matter how much you trust them, it will increase your insecurity x1000000000

Saturday, April 12

D-32: I will see you soon


Maybe someday, we’ll meet again and realize that we were always meant to be but we just met when the timing wasn’t right. Maybe we could try again. And we can finally take that walk

someday we will never have to say goodbye again but only goodnight. this is not a goodbye instead it's I will see you soon

I don't love you any lesser best x






Friday, April 11

D-31: I'm only human pt I


Exactly a month ago, I was out of a date-relationship of 10months. Up to this date, I'm still coping with the break up. It's never easy but I'm still trying my best. He was my BFF, my soulmate, my love, my life and my love. He's the guy of my dream and I liked him for years. Being with him is like a dream come true. Losing a lover and a bestfriend at the same time can be very painful. He made me got overly extreme-attached to him because of something and he's the best that ever happened to me. He's everything I ever wanted.

I'm only 20, I may be still young but I see him in my future, I see as the man of my life, the father of my kids, the breadwinner of my family, the guy who will walk down the aisle of happiness and till eternity with me. I see all these in him which I don't see in anyone. He's the right guy who came into my life at the wrong timing. 

He wanted me to go away from his life, his family and his friends. I agreed at first because that's the least I could ever do for him but this don't last long. I started contacting him the very next day. I may come off clingy and annoying but at the back of my mind was "I already lost him what more there's for me to lose?" And I know he totally lost all his respect towards me as I broke the very last promise to him. 

Everyone was asking how come I can pull off being cheerful and laugh as much as I want. The truth is I'm hurting inside, and everything came off hard for me. I cried every single day for the first week until my eyes were very sore, my health is deteriorating and I have to consult a doctor. Everyday I wish I'm dead so I don't have to face all this but back to reality: I'M STILL BREATHING BUT BARELY SURVIVE

Everyone had been telling me I'd been giving too much during the 10months and he treated me unfairly. Everyone had been telling me if a guy really love you he will never call you names, flirt with other girls, call other girls bby, had intimate contacts with other girls, compare you or even treat a girl so mean, so cruel. But what do they know? They don't see the little things he did for me! People had been telling me "aiya he got new girl already la, he's tired of you already" but I trust that he's not that kind of guys! I don't mind all the things he did to me but after all the things I did for him why do I still deserve all these from him?

I'm very emotional right from the start and I love him more than he ever does to me that's why I lost. I'm fighting a losing battle with someone that's heartless and with no conscience at all. My whole world came crashing down instantly...

I went through a major turn over after he left me. I quit smoking on the day of our actually 10th month, I seldom drive as I almost met with a number of accidents, I changed my lifestyle, I cut my hair 8inches short because I told him before the only time I will cut short hair will be the day he leave me so I'm keeping this promise. 

---
So here's some of the stages I been through with coping of my break up:

#stage 1: shock
This goodbye came too fast, too soon. I never expect things to end so fast. It's like minutes before we were ok then after that I'm shouldering all the blames and responsibility of the end of our relationship while he just walk away freely

#stage 2: desperation
Who doesn't want to salvage the relationship once it's ended? Yes I did harass him with text messages, call him to make sure he didn't block me, dropping off letters in his letter box, waited for 3hours outside his house as well as giving him a gift which was meant for our 1st year. I even go to the extent of email him since he totally cut me off his life. I stopped doing these after a week he left which was our actually 10th month. I decided to back off from him and give him time, space he need at the same time, I literally disappear from the world (twitter, blog, Instagram, Facebook, my phone) and in hope of seeing him even from far, I drove to his work place and house every single day. I remembered someone once told me not to contact him at all and give him space to miss you, feel that you are gone forever in his life but what are the chances for people like him?

I sent him a 4-5pages worth of email on our actually 10th month listing down some of our memories in hope that things will change. And I even list down what's "to love" and "to be loved". All these while in my mind was why don't he appreciate everything I done for him, all the sacrifices I made, compromises... And he can compare me with other girls of his out there. What's so worthless about me? I even state down all the vows I made for him. Even though promises are broken but the vows still remains right?

#stage 3: hatred
I don't hate him at all, I can never bring myself to hate him either. The reason why it's the hatred stage because you will hate yourself for screwing everything (if you are the one that got dumped) why he's so irresponsible to let me handle every single thing myself? Every single day what's going through my mind was why he don't miss me, why he no longer want to fight for us, does he still love me? And why can he even talk to other girls happily straight after we ended? And how can he leave so happily after putting me in so much pain, so much sufferings. Why he can be so happy while life's being so hard on me right now. There's a lot of why why and why running through my mind. 

#stage 4: denial
I know this stage came a little too late around the 2nd week after he left. I'd been lying to myself that he's going somewhere far away and there's no way he can contact me so I've to wait for him to talk to me. I'm someone who rather avoid than to accept the reality even though it's unhealthy in the long run. 

#stage 5: partial memory
Party and have fun. If I can't forget you, alcohol will help me to forget you. I don't care how bad or good I'm gonna feel the next day as long as one day I can't forget you, I will continue. And I mentioned have fun! I got myself drunk a few times during this period because that's the only way I can forget all the pain that he inflicted on me. And I don't know why under the influence of alcohol, it made me cry more than usual. To be honest, after 2 weeks of hardcore parties, I get tired and sick of this kind of life. After all this isn't the life I want 

#stage 6: memories
I went back to places we had been to (too many as we been to almost everywhere around Singapore) including those walk ways and waiting area and every single time, it never fail to end myself up in tears. I don't want to forget anything about us, I want us to stay in my memories and heart even though he's no longer in my life. I watched the video I made for him during valentines' day again and again too (not to make myself cry) but recalling how appreciative I am that he came in my life and recalling all the impacts he made on me. 

#stage 7: force
I wrote down every single flaws about him and everything he did to hurt me but this is one of the worst option because in the end I still write down the one reason "I love him" so poof I'm back to the square one. I kept away all stuff that he gave me because I don't want them to be dirtied or disappear (including food, drinks bottle) he gave me too much to remember (my screen protector is photo of us &photos of us scatter everywhere at home and my wallet)

#stage 8: realization
I don't know is it just me or what but I'm starting to see him, see every single thing in a different perspective. I still love him but then I'm more in love with the old him. He's a total changed of person now. Someone so unfamiliar and someone who say he hate something yet doing it in the end but then again, I will still want him back no matter what

---

For girls that experiencing the same thing as me, let your emotion flow. It's a normal thing (only people who's heartless, assholes or sociopath won't feel a thing) The more you suppress it, the more it will hit you later. Talk to your friends, they will be more than willing to hear you out and support you even though you will repeat the same thing over and over again (that's what friend are for). Cry as much as you want/need because it's the only way to relieve all your sadness and pain. Surround yourself with people you love and don't stay home alone and be depressed! Don't be too hard on yourself because you don't deserve to be so upset! (I choose to go the hard way) You deserve everything in the world to make yourself happy!

Sure, you will feel jealous when you are surrounded by happy couples. It's ok to feel jealous and envious because it's normal! You can meet new people, date around but, never ever look for a rebound/band aid because you will end up hurting yourself even more. It's ok to miss him and stalk him, it's ok to try talking to him but just don't be too hard on yourself! They say time will heal everything and that's untrue! Time will only slowly bury everything and you will be immune to it. You are responsible for your own happiness! And most importantly, don't ever regret the choices you made because at one point or another it's exactly what you wanted. "Time and distance will make you forget about me but it will make me love you even more"

People out there will be giving you advices like "you should get over him", "he don't deserve you", "you deserve better", "move on", "follow your heart", "fight for your own happiness". I choose to follow my heart and do whatever I want because I'm a fighter for love and I will fight for my own happiness! But what if your best isn't enough? What if he doesn't even give you the chance to fight? If you still can go on, then don't give up! One day they may change their mind again. 人心难测 人心也变得很快

I believe in fate and what's meant to be will always find it's way back even if it has to take a detour! That's why you see people breaking off for years and still able to get back together. Fate let me know him, and fate bring us back together after a year of not contacting each other. At the same time, nobody can predict the future too!

You don't treasure what you have until you lose it but did anyone tell you before even if you treasure it, you will still lose it? No! He's the guy that regardless of what happened and how long, as long as he's willing to come back by my side I will take him back. When you love someone you should accept them for who they are but nobody tell you that even when you accept them, they will still leave you. 

Give yourself time, tell yourself that tough times don't last but tough people do! To be honest it's not his loss for losing me, it's my loss for losing him. I made a lot of mistakes during the times we are together and not everyone love is the same. I'm noble enough to forgive everything he did to hurt me. Life is never fair so learn to suck it up. 

It's been a month since he left and I'm still not over him. I'm still missing him every single day. Maybe someday we will meet again when we are changed people. Maybe someday we will fall in love again. Maybe someday we will make things work. I still stalk him, I still hope to have a glimpse of him every single time. And if I found someone like him in the future, I will marry him straight because that's the only way I won't have to lose him again. To be honest, I still put our photos as my wallpaper. Up till today, I still write weekly letters to him like how I used to (one way to express your emotion) and I kept it inside a box. I still re-read our conversations and browse through our photos. You can do whatever you want to make yourself happy, burn the photos or throw away everything but if it hurts you, then staph! its always the good memories that leave you crying. 爱一个人很累 但是当你真正爱他时 放手会比较累

I want him to be happy so I rather swallow the pain by leaving him alone and giving him space. I'm still waiting for his return even after everyone say it's not worth it and I deserve better. 你一定要过得好 你一定要幸福! 玩够了回来找我吧 我等你 

I lost myself while loving him, I lost every single bit of myself. I'd been busy taking care of him, busy giving him all the reassurance that I feel insecure myself, I'd been busy loving him and busy giving him the best of everything until I've nothing left for myself. And I'm still caring about him secretly up till now and hoping he's fine every single moment.

爱你的人不一定会等你 但等你的人一定很爱你

I miss you, best. 

Thursday, April 10

tea session @ KOM


times flies, finally see the rest of KOM intern after 6 weeks. I don't know why everyone is like so excited for the gathering maybe bc it's been so long. the perk of being an engineer, you are surrounded by guys as it's an male dominant industry

every single one was like, hey just stay here longer and talk instead of going back to where we are. a great meet up, a great lunch session with all of them (except for the lunch part bc it's still 菜饭)

this mini tea session made me think twice about my future, what I want to do, whether I still want to stay in this industry or not... it's really never easy bc you have to stay under the sun in long hours. whether to stay in the yard or be in the offshore side, my future seems so blunt

there's so much to sacrifice for every choice I made and in the past, at least there's someone which I want to stay here for but now, I'm trying my best to find a reason to stay








D-30: slowly fading away

"pain make me realized that I'm still alive"

waking up and realized I'm just another day to killing myself emotionally and mentally... 38 more days till the closure of my love towards you. why 38? it's the day we started 

I finally see how ridiculous my love was towards you which I don't even think anyone in this universe able to give you. 真的是爱你爱的太深 太笨 I thought I'm very noble and generous until I wrote the letter for the lucky girl after me. I told her everything about my world, hoping that she will give him all the things I'm not able to. ask me why I do this? it's bc I want my whole world which is him to get the best of everything. even though I said before "I want you to be happy even if it's without me" but I came to realized that I can never bring myself to pen down "I'm happy for both of you and last long" yes I'm only happy for him that he found someone not like me, someone different from me. 

I'm self destructing, I know it very well myself. I can't even be saved or should I say I don't even bother to save myself. every single day I'm just hoping for a relieve from my life. every single time I see you, I don't even have the courage to look at you bc I always got this urge to hug you but I know I'm in no position anymore

why do I feel that I'm slowly losing you even in my own memories? every single day you are just one step further away from me and whenever I try to grab your hand, you are always slipping away from me. best, can't you just be nicer to me and stay in it? 

I'm happy, I'm laughing and smiling but am I really happy? no, never at all. I'm good at pretending, I'm good at convincing everyone. I lied, I lied that I'm over him, he doesn't affect me anymore but he affect me every single way and every single minute

I hate the fact that I can never bring myself to hate you after all the things you did to me and I still love you even more

Wednesday, April 9

D-29

"do I love you today?"
"everyday, a lil' more"

somewhere along the line, I came to realize that I don't even want to try to survive anymore. every single day I wish I'm dead. I hope the day when I die, I want you to be here and see me for the one last time. in the past every single day I'm begging for your love and attention but now, I'm begging for a relieve from my life 

another day you are not by side is another day you are further away from me. soon I will not be able to see your back view anymore or the worst, the illusion of you. I couldn't remember your voice anymore, I totally forget the way you spoke, the way you call my name and the way you sound

what happened to spending all the 9th with me even if I didn't book you? what happened to being here for me all the times while you busy running away right now? what happened to proving everyone that we are those "wow, they are still together" the kind of couple?

I'm afraid that someone will come and break me down over and over again but at the same time I wish someone or something would take away all these pain of mine

Tuesday, April 8

just realized I've been turning into this space almost every single day bc you don't need a space to voice out when there's a listener and nobody is always there for you except yourself

grew stronger and stronger each day bc at the end of the day no one got my back and I can only depend on myself. I've got nobody to share all my troubles with and all. every single day I'm wearing a mask to cover up all the sadness within me

I don't want to strive, I'm all out to survive and that's the only thing I'm asking for 

"does anyone wish that I'm alive, another day while I wish to die everyday?"

D-28 心, 寒了

"do I miss you today?"
"everyday, a lil more"

i tried so hard knocking on your door and yet you don't want to open up. I knocked until the extent that my knuckles are bleeding badly

it's going to be a month, time flies. you changed while I'm still right at the same spot waiting for you to be back... I'd been drinking most of the nights bc it's the only way to forget everything

you can push all the blames to me you can blame me for the downfall of the relationship for all you want you can walk away freely bc at the end of the day I want you to be happy and I don't mind all the sufferings 

I remember I used to tell you "as long as you are happy even if it's without me, I will be fine" I thought it's hard but I realised it's even harder to do it bc everytime I see you happy, my heart ache a lil' knowing that I actually don't mean a thing to you at all. you made it to a point whereby I thought I mattered at some point of time

you are the last person on earth that ever got the rights to say I don't give a fuck or I didn't fight for us bc I DO WITH MY HEART and you just don't realized it 

算了吧 你真的开心就好

Monday, April 7

Life in the yard


6 weeks into intern life yet I'm starting to love my job (exclude the waiting time) Being in the yard made me realized alot of things about guys (male dominant industry) as well as to know about the bangalas. Maybe bc I'm the only few females that's why every single one take really good care of me. Being in the yard, I get to know a lot of languages. I mean I unds some but I can't speak and soon I'm gonna pick up the slang heh

I came to somehow lower my expectations toward guys bc chivalry is dead inside. I mean they can just slam the door right in your face (maybe bc they are rushing all the times) however I came to realized that guys do actually notice girls. Maybe bc I'm the 1 out of 3 guys in the production side that's why it's easy to notice me? They always strike up conversations randomly, asking me how's my day as well as offering me food and drink. And some of them will be like "are you tired, do you want to go up to the vessel?" It's all these little things that made me push on my intern bc it's hard for me right now (due to personal reasons) They actually did notice when you are there and when you are not

And working in the yard totally changed my perspective towards the bangalas. They are not as bad as what everyone think they are. I think they are the most polite people in the whole yard (maybe bc I'm an officer over there) They are the ones who put their life on the line every single day, they are the ones who help me get all my jobs done. I always thought life is tough in the construction site but I was so wrong until I work in the yard. They have to stay under the sun for long hours and even go into the confine space with limited amount of oxygen and ventilation. They are willing to offer you food as well (if you are in the engineering side)

So, I just wanna thanks everyone inside for my first 6 weeks in the yard and hope you all gonna treat me the same for my remaining 6 weeks:)

D-27

lying on my bed at this godly 0151 timing, staring at my ceiling just wondering where did it go wrong? am I the one who's fully at fault or am I not? I always believe that for every action, there will definitely be a reaction to it so why am I the one getting all the shit things while you always get to walk away freely?

when we started dating, I should have known that life is pretty unfair sticking by your side. but still, I choose to squeeze my way in to be part of your life. I will never get it and I will never unds why all your other girls are able to call you bby/bb when they are just your friends while I can't even self proclaim anything when I'm your date. you don't know how insecure or how does it feels like. you said before you don't even believe if I ever love you since I'm full of lies but then how true was your love towards me when you allow people to call you bby without even thinking of how I feel? how true was your love when I'm constantly sharing your love and attention with all your other girls out there? wasn't i someone you once loved? wasn't I someone once important to you?

on the day you told me you lost all your respect towards me, it just made me wonder if you ever respect me in the first place bc of all your actions. if you do, you wouldn't allow girls to call you bby or teddy bear hug you infront of me, you wouldn't text other girls all day long (I'm not saying you can't) you wouldn't had call me names, you wouldn't ask me to do something I don't like

when you left, you said to be fair to me I will not get the chance to stick with you again. this is not the fairness I want, all I ever asked for was you to treat me better. just better and that's enough for me. I'm not asking to be your one and only bc that's impossible

I'd always listen to you for every single thing, I'd always shower you with enough love and attention but apparently it's never enough for you. you wanted more when I gave you every single bit of me. I lost myself completely while busy taking care of your needs. I gave you all the freedoms in this world, I gave you whatever you asked for but it's never enough. love works both way, how can you expect me to give you my 100% first while you only gave me 60%? why can't we just give 100% at the same time? I remember once I asked you to change role with me for a day, immediately you said no but why? issit bc you don't want to be the one who's doing the giving? 

enough said of all these, if you ever gonna be back I will still take you back despite knowing I have to go through all these again 

Friday, April 4

D-24: Story // edited



Another mini shopping spree for myself at pandora! There's no harm trying to pamper myself right? They said pandora tell the story about a girl. so here's my story:

Best, you are the only one in the world that hold the key to my heart. I put all my love for you into a circle so that it will never break off. I want to travel around the world with you and go to Paris, kiss under the eiffel tower...

truth is, I'm going to leave this place soon not now, not in months but somewhere next year. planned several trips during my vacations as well as backpack (not confirm) to the western! my journey of sole traveller start soon and I hope I got enough to survive if I wna go backpack for more than 3months:( wna be a true wanderlust before settling down for a proper job or my advancement in studies. whatever it is, I planned for something which got to do with going away. 这里没有什么人好留恋 对吗?

Thursday, April 3

D-23: Only you


Embarking on a journey to capture every single memories we had during the past 10months which includes all the places we been to, food we ate. Though it's a lot of places but then I'm determined to walk through every single one of them. I know everything gonna hurt me badly in the end but this is the least I could do right now:( I'm giving him everything as our "actually 365th day present" and whatever he's gonna do with it, I wouldn't want to know


As you all know, I'd been wearing this necklace for the past like 5months? He gave it to me during our 5th month and it's something very precious to me. Today, I finally took it off not because I move on or I let go. It's because the necklace start to rust and one of the diamond dropped out so I want to keep it safe. I don't want anything you gave me to be dirtied or spoil so I rather keep it in a safe place 

I miss you best. How's life for you?

Wednesday, April 2

D-22: I'm missing you badly




Back to this place where we first hang out after losing contacts for a year. This is the place which turn us from BFF into lovers. This is the place that bring both of us so close. This is the place where I started being part of your life. This is the place where I stopped you from fights. This is the place where you piggyback me once. This is the place we once danced together, sing together. This is the place we teased each other. This is the place we shared so much laughter, so many memories. And this is the place where I hugged you officially for the first time. I never want to forget any of this moments with you that's why I keep on going back to all the places that we went before. I know you already forget all about us but memories will never... And wherever you are right now, I hope you are happy with the life you wanted all along. I miss us, best:(