Exactly a month ago, I was out of a date-relationship of 10months. Up to this date, I'm still coping with the break up. It's never easy but I'm still trying my best. He was my BFF, my soulmate, my love, my life and my love. He's the guy of my dream and I liked him for years. Being with him is like a dream come true. Losing a lover and a bestfriend at the same time can be very painful. He made me got overly extreme-attached to him because of something and he's the best that ever happened to me. He's everything I ever wanted.
I'm only 20, I may be still young but I see him in my future, I see as the man of my life, the father of my kids, the breadwinner of my family, the guy who will walk down the aisle of happiness and till eternity with me. I see all these in him which I don't see in anyone. He's the right guy who came into my life at the wrong timing.
He wanted me to go away from his life, his family and his friends. I agreed at first because that's the least I could ever do for him but this don't last long. I started contacting him the very next day. I may come off clingy and annoying but at the back of my mind was "I already lost him what more there's for me to lose?" And I know he totally lost all his respect towards me as I broke the very last promise to him.
Everyone was asking how come I can pull off being cheerful and laugh as much as I want. The truth is I'm hurting inside, and everything came off hard for me. I cried every single day for the first week until my eyes were very sore, my health is deteriorating and I have to consult a doctor. Everyday I wish I'm dead so I don't have to face all this but back to reality: I'M STILL BREATHING BUT BARELY SURVIVE
Everyone had been telling me I'd been giving too much during the 10months and he treated me unfairly. Everyone had been telling me if a guy really love you he will never call you names, flirt with other girls, call other girls bby, had intimate contacts with other girls, compare you or even treat a girl so mean, so cruel. But what do they know? They don't see the little things he did for me! People had been telling me "aiya he got new girl already la, he's tired of you already" but I trust that he's not that kind of guys! I don't mind all the things he did to me but after all the things I did for him why do I still deserve all these from him?
I'm very emotional right from the start and I love him more than he ever does to me that's why I lost. I'm fighting a losing battle with someone that's heartless and with no conscience at all. My whole world came crashing down instantly...
I went through a major turn over after he left me. I quit smoking on the day of our actually 10th month, I seldom drive as I almost met with a number of accidents, I changed my lifestyle, I cut my hair 8inches short because I told him before the only time I will cut short hair will be the day he leave me so I'm keeping this promise.
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So here's some of the stages I been through with coping of my break up:
#stage 1: shock
This goodbye came too fast, too soon. I never expect things to end so fast. It's like minutes before we were ok then after that I'm shouldering all the blames and responsibility of the end of our relationship while he just walk away freely
#stage 2: desperation
Who doesn't want to salvage the relationship once it's ended? Yes I did harass him with text messages, call him to make sure he didn't block me, dropping off letters in his letter box, waited for 3hours outside his house as well as giving him a gift which was meant for our 1st year. I even go to the extent of email him since he totally cut me off his life. I stopped doing these after a week he left which was our actually 10th month. I decided to back off from him and give him time, space he need at the same time, I literally disappear from the world (twitter, blog, Instagram, Facebook, my phone) and in hope of seeing him even from far, I drove to his work place and house every single day. I remembered someone once told me not to contact him at all and give him space to miss you, feel that you are gone forever in his life but what are the chances for people like him?
I sent him a 4-5pages worth of email on our actually 10th month listing down some of our memories in hope that things will change. And I even list down what's "to love" and "to be loved". All these while in my mind was why don't he appreciate everything I done for him, all the sacrifices I made, compromises... And he can compare me with other girls of his out there. What's so worthless about me? I even state down all the vows I made for him. Even though promises are broken but the vows still remains right?
#stage 3: hatred
I don't hate him at all, I can never bring myself to hate him either. The reason why it's the hatred stage because you will hate yourself for screwing everything (if you are the one that got dumped) why he's so irresponsible to let me handle every single thing myself? Every single day what's going through my mind was why he don't miss me, why he no longer want to fight for us, does he still love me? And why can he even talk to other girls happily straight after we ended? And how can he leave so happily after putting me in so much pain, so much sufferings. Why he can be so happy while life's being so hard on me right now. There's a lot of why why and why running through my mind.
#stage 4: denial
I know this stage came a little too late around the 2nd week after he left. I'd been lying to myself that he's going somewhere far away and there's no way he can contact me so I've to wait for him to talk to me. I'm someone who rather avoid than to accept the reality even though it's unhealthy in the long run.
#stage 5: partial memory
Party and have fun. If I can't forget you, alcohol will help me to forget you. I don't care how bad or good I'm gonna feel the next day as long as one day I can't forget you, I will continue. And I mentioned have fun! I got myself drunk a few times during this period because that's the only way I can forget all the pain that he inflicted on me. And I don't know why under the influence of alcohol, it made me cry more than usual. To be honest, after 2 weeks of hardcore parties, I get tired and sick of this kind of life. After all this isn't the life I want
#stage 6: memories
I went back to places we had been to (too many as we been to almost everywhere around Singapore) including those walk ways and waiting area and every single time, it never fail to end myself up in tears. I don't want to forget anything about us, I want us to stay in my memories and heart even though he's no longer in my life. I watched the video I made for him during valentines' day again and again too (not to make myself cry) but recalling how appreciative I am that he came in my life and recalling all the impacts he made on me.
#stage 7: force
I wrote down every single flaws about him and everything he did to hurt me but this is one of the worst option because in the end I still write down the one reason "I love him" so poof I'm back to the square one. I kept away all stuff that he gave me because I don't want them to be dirtied or disappear (including food, drinks bottle) he gave me too much to remember (my screen protector is photo of us &photos of us scatter everywhere at home and my wallet)
#stage 8: realization
I don't know is it just me or what but I'm starting to see him, see every single thing in a different perspective. I still love him but then I'm more in love with the old him. He's a total changed of person now. Someone so unfamiliar and someone who say he hate something yet doing it in the end but then again, I will still want him back no matter what
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For girls that experiencing the same thing as me, let your emotion flow. It's a normal thing (only people who's heartless, assholes or sociopath won't feel a thing) The more you suppress it, the more it will hit you later. Talk to your friends, they will be more than willing to hear you out and support you even though you will repeat the same thing over and over again (that's what friend are for). Cry as much as you want/need because it's the only way to relieve all your sadness and pain. Surround yourself with people you love and don't stay home alone and be depressed! Don't be too hard on yourself because you don't deserve to be so upset! (I choose to go the hard way) You deserve everything in the world to make yourself happy!
Sure, you will feel jealous when you are surrounded by happy couples. It's ok to feel jealous and envious because it's normal! You can meet new people, date around but, never ever look for a rebound/band aid because you will end up hurting yourself even more. It's ok to miss him and stalk him, it's ok to try talking to him but just don't be too hard on yourself! They say time will heal everything and that's untrue! Time will only slowly bury everything and you will be immune to it. You are responsible for your own happiness! And most importantly, don't ever regret the choices you made because at one point or another it's exactly what you wanted. "Time and distance will make you forget about me but it will make me love you even more"
People out there will be giving you advices like "you should get over him", "he don't deserve you", "you deserve better", "move on", "follow your heart", "fight for your own happiness". I choose to follow my heart and do whatever I want because I'm a fighter for love and I will fight for my own happiness! But what if your best isn't enough? What if he doesn't even give you the chance to fight? If you still can go on, then don't give up! One day they may change their mind again. 人心难测 人心也变得很快
I believe in fate and what's meant to be will always find it's way back even if it has to take a detour! That's why you see people breaking off for years and still able to get back together. Fate let me know him, and fate bring us back together after a year of not contacting each other. At the same time, nobody can predict the future too!
You don't treasure what you have until you lose it but did anyone tell you before even if you treasure it, you will still lose it? No! He's the guy that regardless of what happened and how long, as long as he's willing to come back by my side I will take him back. When you love someone you should accept them for who they are but nobody tell you that even when you accept them, they will still leave you.
Give yourself time, tell yourself that tough times don't last but tough people do! To be honest it's not his loss for losing me, it's my loss for losing him. I made a lot of mistakes during the times we are together and not everyone love is the same. I'm noble enough to forgive everything he did to hurt me. Life is never fair so learn to suck it up.
It's been a month since he left and I'm still not over him. I'm still missing him every single day. Maybe someday we will meet again when we are changed people. Maybe someday we will fall in love again. Maybe someday we will make things work. I still stalk him, I still hope to have a glimpse of him every single time. And if I found someone like him in the future, I will marry him straight because that's the only way I won't have to lose him again. To be honest, I still put our photos as my wallpaper. Up till today, I still write weekly letters to him like how I used to (one way to express your emotion) and I kept it inside a box. I still re-read our conversations and browse through our photos. You can do whatever you want to make yourself happy, burn the photos or throw away everything but if it hurts you, then staph! its always the good memories that leave you crying. 爱一个人很累 但是当你真正爱他时 放手会比较累
I want him to be happy so I rather swallow the pain by leaving him alone and giving him space. I'm still waiting for his return even after everyone say it's not worth it and I deserve better. 你一定要过得好 你一定要幸福! 玩够了回来找我吧 我等你
I lost myself while loving him, I lost every single bit of myself. I'd been busy taking care of him, busy giving him all the reassurance that I feel insecure myself, I'd been busy loving him and busy giving him the best of everything until I've nothing left for myself. And I'm still caring about him secretly up till now and hoping he's fine every single moment.
爱你的人不一定会等你 但等你的人一定很爱你
I miss you, best.
